This blog has gotten a little more personal than I intended it to be when I started it. Part of the reason is because I have not been finding the research articles and poring over them like I did at the start. In fact, I’ve done very little reading lately. Another part of the reason is because it feels like every ounce of energy I have is spent on work. That’s both physical and mental/emotional energy. It has helped so much to commute only on occasion, but by the end of the day, I’m done. And if there’s something fibromyalgia people know is when they’re done.
At the same time, I have been self-destructive this summer. I have not been taking care of myself. I certainly haven’t been taking the extra care that’s necessary to function with fibro. Instead of exercise and stretching, I go in the yard (a perennial garden, no grass) and work, including heavy lifting and lots of bending and kneeling. My back and knees are worse than they’ve ever been. I’m not eating regularly – not three times a day for sure, oftentimes only once, and usually not well-rounded meals. Evenings include a glass (or two) of wine. My body does not like sugar, but I like wine (and margaritas).
I think there are a lot of reasons I have not been kind to myself. I’ve had some emotional impacts this last year, beyond the way COVID sort rampaged through the world, and it has impacted my self-perception, self-worth, self-esteem. I’m having a hard time even just caring that I’m not taking care of myself. If I’m honest with myself, it’s a slo-mo suicide. I’m aware of the drama of a statement like that, and I’m not intentionally trying to shock. I’m trying to be honest with myself and to remind myself of all the reasons I should care about myself and my life, as well as all the people around me who love me. And there are a lot of reasons.
Mostly, this summer has felt insurmountable. The things I want to do aren’t done. And there’s so much I want to do, but when the time comes that I can carve out a little time for myself, it gets taken away, either by the needs of other people, by work, by pain and fatigue, by brain fog, or very often by an overwhelming “what’s the point?” If I do X, I know the consequences. It’s been hard to choose life knowing that tomorrow I’ll regret it. In addition, my world outlook has changed so dramatically, I can’t comprehend the optimistic lens I used to look at the world through. My sense of a power to change even my little corner of the world is pretty much gone.
It’s been a bad summer physically too. My back is constantly in pain making just walking difficult. Pain is constantly shooting down my legs, whether I’m up and moving or sitting and working. I can’t completely straighten my left leg. It takes several minutes when I get up from working at my desk to walk normally. The joints in my fingers are swollen and painful every day. The pointer finger on my left hand is numb. I know I have to see a doctor and ask for a referral to a rheum doctor. I made an appointment for a yearly checkup, but I don’t want to go.
I’m very aware of the depression symptoms I’m manifesting. I’m very aware that I have to return to counseling. I also know that I have made the conscious decision to not do the things I need to do to maintain my physical and mental health. I’m calling myself out. Life is all about choices. I’ve been deliberately making bad choices. Summer’s over. I need to change seasons too.