The weight-loss challenge is just on hold. I have to admit to a secret fear I have. What if it’s true that everything I touch disintegrates? It’s my personal self-indulgent paranoia. Both the junior high and high schools I went to closed. The first place I worked was McDonalds… that place is still okay, But Gager;s Craft store sold out to Creative Expressions and Creative Expressions closed down. The Kit Connection went bankrupt and IRS agents came and took all the money I had in the register. Kids sold out to Kaybee Toys, we all lost our jobs. Midwest Federal – remember the whole savings & loan scandal? I was in the middle of that. Mom and dad’s hardware store – Coast to Coast, Hardware Hank, True Value, and then closed. Northland Organic – not my fault, but bankrupt and gone. Maybe I just choose the wrong places. But now I’m at Mayo Clinic and we’re in the middle of a pandemic that has changed the course of every hospital and teaching hospital in the world. It’s completely irrational. On the other hand. Here I am living in the United States that is completely dismantling the Constitution with a president in office that is single-handedly (not single-handedly, it takes cronies) destroying the way of life for millions of people. We’re living in a world that’s hurtling toward destruction, caused by our greed and mismanagement. I’m living during this time of upheaval of the sort that has been happening on microcosms my whole life. Just as my life comes together with a good home life, a good job, met and made aspirations, I look out my window at a crumbling world. My tendency my whole life has been to take responsibility. To take blame. I’ve moved forward from doing that all the time. But there’s still an inkling of fear. I’ve gone from it’s all my fault, to what could I have done to help? My guilt, I think, lies in powerlessness and perceived powerlessness. So I’m going to stay heavy. I’m going to read books instead of journal articles. I’m going to just be. For awhile. I feel like life has been on hold since a complete delusional, nepotist, narcissist asshole has taken over the government. I’ve thought over and over again, it can’t get worse. It’s gotten worse. I know I have control over my life, over my weight, over the things I choose to do or not to do. I know that. Right now I choose to wait. It’s like being unable to start a book until I’ve finished another. The book we’re living is a horror story. There must be an ending that will stop us all from being frozen in place and holding our breath, unable to look out our windows at night for fear of what lurks behind our own reflections.
I’ve spent two weeks working from home because of COVID-19. I keep thinking one day there will be books written about the pandemic and I will have lived it. When I read history books I always think oh what a time to live. Instead, I’m sitting around the house, working from home, playing with critters, playing video games, listening to junk on YouTube or PodBean, and eating too much on the weekends. I’m proud to say I do much better during the week, but it’s like I somehow have to differentiate the week and the weekend, so I do it with food. And wine. I haven’t had any yet today, but I will when I’m done here. In short, I think I lose a little weight during the week, but I gain it all back on the weekend. I’m not sure I’ll be able to do anything about that because I am struggling with the stay-at-home thing and not seeing the people I’m used to seeing and such a drastic change in routine. I’m out of sweets for the weekend, so that’s good. I’ll try to keep the house sweet-free. Or I’ll give that goldfish in a fishbowl test a run for its money.
I am inexplicably cranky. I want baked goods. I want anything that’s not good for me. I want alcohol. I want to be alone. I don’t want anyone to talk to me or ask me any questions. I do not want to make any decisions. I do not want to clean the house. I do not want to wear clothes. I do not want anything but solitude and quiet. And baked goods. A cake, cupcake, anything. I am cranky.
There is a psychology to weight loss that I haven’t come to terms with. If I try to lose weight, I gain. I start to think about food and what I need to do to lose weight and I immediately subvert the process by doing the exact opposite. I know that mindfulness is the key. I have to come to terms with my own actions and motivations. I am unhappy right now with my weight. I don’t feel good, I don’t move well, I’ve lost what little libido I have. Gravity is fighting absolutely every wobbly bit I have. And I sabotage myself from changing that. I’ll keep trying. I’ll try to be mindful. I’ll try to stop hurting myself. Really, this is like a slow suicide. It’s a pretty stupid way to live.
I haven’t lost any weight, at least not according to my clothes. I went a few days with good eating and then all went to heck, culminating in a Mexican dinner with two giant margaritas and a shot of tequila last night. At least I slept well last night. I’ll get in the pool tomorrow and try to keep mindful. Unfortunately, if I think of food I think I have to eat it. But I will try. Another week.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life. So I’m sitting in my robe with my dog curled up next to me and a cat yowling at me in the distance, and I’m planning on finishing this page and then curling up with a book or a movie. It’s my day off work. I now work four 10-hour days a week and have three days off. I like it, but it kicks my butt. Last night I got to the pool for AquaMixx, so I’m a little less sluggish today. Exercise will do that for me. My arms and hands, however, are particularly painful this morning. I don’t know if it’s from the extra exertion in the pool? Either way, I know it’s nothing and I’ll just work through it.
This page will (in theory) document a quest to lose weight. I don’t want to lose weight to look better. It’s a challenge I’m giving myself – will losing weight help with the fibromyalgia pain? Doctors so often attribute pain to weight and age. My past experiences as a young, slim person says uh uh. But now that I’m older and definitely overweight, I have to at least address the weight. I can’t get younger, but I can get thinner.
I’ll combine reducing carbs with very small dinners, working at not depriving myself, but encouraging myself to do well. I’ll also continue with AquaMixx at least once a week (when I can get away from my desk in time – work has been interfering), and I’ll start a regular stretching exercise at home, like I used to do on a daily basis. I have to get my yoga mat out of the trunk of my car because we don’t have carpeting anymore. I won’t guarantee documenting every day, but I’ll shoot for at least once a week.
Day One – Tuesday February 4, 2020 – day off work
Pain levels – significant
Weight – high
Fatigue – significant
I’ll rest today and watch what I eat. Do stretching exercises.