Every now and then I overhear conversations, people with health complaints who are struggling with doctors and testing, wondering what’s wrong and when it’s going to get better. I try to stay away from conversations like that because I’m never quite sure what to say. I hope that they find what’s wrong and I hope they get better. Maybe that’s all I have to say. At the same time, I admit to a difficult time listening to these conversations, and the attitude is all my problem.
There is no test I can take that will diagnose fibromyalgia. It’s a diagnosis of elimination. I’ve said more than once to people who just frown at me disapprovingly that I would love to be diagnosed with a tumor or something that could just be cut out of me so I can just get on with life. Or not. However it happens. Fibromyalgia and a lot of chronic disorders are like living in limbo. Doctors sort of fade in and out, maybe half-heartedly offer a test or two, suggest that I lose weight, that I exercise, eat right, get proper sleep, meditate, yada yada yada. All the things I’ve been experimenting with forever and haven’t offered any long term solutions.
If I’m completely honest with myself, I find that I become a little resentful of people who have cures, who can get parts replaced or cut away or take a magic pill and then go climb mountains. I find I feel resentment when I hear about people undergoing all the tests, when I have to give my doctor solid proof that I should have that one blood test that MIGHT make a difference (but probably will come back negative). I feel resentment when they get a diagnosis and treatment. I’m glad for them – I really am. I love people and never want anyone to feel like I do. Ever. But in all honesty, I have to admit, it’s there. It’s not healthy, and I’ve never acknowledged it before, but it’s there.